Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves. (Walter Anderson)
I've been putting off starting this post all evening. I am a terrible (or should that read 'brilliant') procrastinator. I've changed the kids' beds, done the ironing, done a load of washing, pfaffed around on facebook, read some blogs, wandered aimlessly between rooms....
Not that I don't want to give a voice to my dreams, commit them to paper or begin them, I do, I truly do, I'm just not sure where to begin, or how to write it all down. Should I describe my life as it is in the future, as if everything I hope for has already come true? Should I break down each area of my life, detail it as it is now, then describe how I want it to be?
The good thing about writing this blog is that it really focuses the mind. I've never been good at keeping diaries, I can write for England when I get going (though having children has fuzzed up my brain somewhat), and writing it all down in a diary not only takes up too much time, but also too much paper. Plus, I can plan and set goals and write lists till domesday, (and I do so, year after year) but for some reason, when they're hidden away in a diary, I don't have any sort of oomph to make it all happen. As far as I know, no-one is reading this blog (except, perhaps, my best friend), but the thought that it is out there, for anyone to see, somehow makes everything real. This promise that I made to myself back on Day 1, now feels like I have shouted it to the world from the rooftops, and if I don't fully commit to this, then I am seriously letting myself down. It's like having someone nagging at me constantly, nudging me forward, a voice in my head that won't let up. I like it, this accountability. It's good.
I've just done some more wandering, made some porridge (porridge? It's 8.30pm for goodness sake!). More procrastination. There's a fear looming here, isn't there? That's what this is all about. Think. Think. What am I so afraid of?
The gap between where I am now, to where I want to be, seems huge, insurmountable almost. What if I write all my dreams down and I can't do it? What if I just can't make any of them happen? What if I'm dreaming TOO big? What if I'm no good at the things I really want to do, the things that have been mulling around my head for years and years? What if the person I think I am inside has been hidden away too long, lost amongst all those years of trying to fit in, and now just completely incongruous to this life I have created? I'm scared, if I'm honest.
If you want something very badly, you can achieve it. It may take patience, very hard work, a real struggle and a long time; but it can be done. That much faith is a prerequisite of any undertaking. (Margo Jones)
Well. As I see it, there are two choices here. I can settle and wait for life to happen...or I can go for it. Push through the fear, have faith...BELIEVE... Do I still want to be in the same place this time next year?
No. I can be better than this.