Saturday, 23 February 2013

More ghosts

My last post was really long, so I apologise to anyone who reads it.  It feels good to spill the stuff that has haunted me for years, and to recognise that the overwhelming fear I have of only being lovable and loved when I am being what people want me to be, still affects every part of my life.  It is, by far, the biggest barrier to me becoming all that I want to become, and I can't tell you how much I want to be free of that.

I don't really understand why my mum was so cruel to me.  Things improved when I left home at 17 and travelled for a few years.  She told me that the day I left, she sat on my bed and cried for hours.  That breaks my heart.  If I'd known she felt like that about me, I probably would never have gone away.  We were never really that close even after that until she got sick - to be honest, I think I shut her out a lot, too scared to hope that we could be like a proper mother and daughter and too hurt by her cruelty when I was younger.  I understand that her childhood was sad and she probably didn't know how to love, but when my first baby was born, all I ever wanted to do was show her how loved and wanted she was.  I have never, ever felt the need to repeat family history.  I'm appalled by it.  I get that life was a struggle for her, as a single mum now myself, I really get how hard it is, but I will never understand how any parent can hurt their child, however many demons they may be secretly fighting.

I have forgiven her, of course, but I feel robbed of that unconditional love that every child deserves. 

My second ghost I need to lay to rest.  A few years ago I got into a relationship with a man which was wrong on every level.  I won't go into detail, there's just too much wrongness to even bother.  I stuck it out for over a year, believing that I could make it work, but one night when I questioned our future, he said 'you have 2 kids and no money, where can this relationship honestly go?  You are a liability'.

I can't begin to describe how worthless his words made me feel.  How worthless his words still make me feel on a daily basis.  I ended the relationship after that.  Of course.

Shortly afterwards I met the love of my life.  A man who felt like home before we'd even started dating.  My true soulmate who spent a year and a half telling me I was his soulmate, taking great care on a daily basis to show me that I was special and loved and safe and I never need worry again.  We had our whole future planned.  I started to feel a tiny bit secure, that I actually was worth loving.  One night he told me that he needed to travel the world and he couldn't wait.  Ten minutes later he walked out of my life and I never saw him again.  He sent me a long email a week later to say that to travel the world had always been his dream.  He promised me I was the love of his life, his true soulmate and that one day he would come back for me.

That was 3 years ago.

So.  My three ghosts.  Ghosts that have left me feeling pretty awful about myself.  It has taken me 3 years of intense soul searching to realise that security and worthiness are an inside job, and only I have the key.  It feels quite terrifying and I'm not quite sure where to start, but I'm determined to.

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