My last post was really long, so I apologise to anyone who reads it. It feels good to spill the stuff that has haunted me for years, and to recognise that the overwhelming fear I have of only being lovable and loved when I am being what people want me to be, still affects every part of my life. It is, by far, the biggest barrier to me becoming all that I want to become, and I can't tell you how much I want to be free of that.
I don't really understand why my mum was so cruel to me. Things improved when I left home at 17 and travelled for a few years. She told me that the day I left, she sat on my bed and cried for hours. That breaks my heart. If I'd known she felt like that about me, I probably would never have gone away. We were never really that close even after that until she got sick - to be honest, I think I shut her out a lot, too scared to hope that we could be like a proper mother and daughter and too hurt by her cruelty when I was younger. I understand that her childhood was sad and she probably didn't know how to love, but when my first baby was born, all I ever wanted to do was show her how loved and wanted she was. I have never, ever felt the need to repeat family history. I'm appalled by it. I get that life was a struggle for her, as a single mum now myself, I really get how hard it is, but I will never understand how any parent can hurt their child, however many demons they may be secretly fighting.
I have forgiven her, of course, but I feel robbed of that unconditional love that every child deserves.
My second ghost I need to lay to rest. A few years ago I got into a relationship with a man which was wrong on every level. I won't go into detail, there's just too much wrongness to even bother. I stuck it out for over a year, believing that I could make it work, but one night when I questioned our future, he said 'you have 2 kids and no money, where can this relationship honestly go? You are a liability'.
I can't begin to describe how worthless his words made me feel. How worthless his words still make me feel on a daily basis. I ended the relationship after that. Of course.
Shortly afterwards I met the love of my life. A man who felt like home before we'd even started dating. My true soulmate who spent a year and a half telling me I was his soulmate, taking great care on a daily basis to show me that I was special and loved and safe and I never need worry again. We had our whole future planned. I started to feel a tiny bit secure, that I actually was worth loving. One night he told me that he needed to travel the world and he couldn't wait. Ten minutes later he walked out of my life and I never saw him again. He sent me a long email a week later to say that to travel the world had always been his dream. He promised me I was the love of his life, his true soulmate and that one day he would come back for me.
That was 3 years ago.
So. My three ghosts. Ghosts that have left me feeling pretty awful about myself. It has taken me 3 years of intense soul searching to realise that security and worthiness are an inside job, and only I have the key. It feels quite terrifying and I'm not quite sure where to start, but I'm determined to.