I'm struggling at the moment, if I'm honest. Loitering just the right side of depression and I'm very aware of the fact, which is a good thing. I've had a childfree weekend, which has been needed, but it's also been one where I haven't seen anybody either. Those weekends are pretty rare these days, usually somebody will pop in for a cup of tea, even if it's just an hour during the whole weekend, it's enough to stop me feeling totally alone in this life.
I feel like I am not moving forwards with anything, like days and days go by and it's just all about survival. Surviving the nightmare that is my son's Tourettes and his continuing meltdown. Surviving, just, financially, praying that I don't have to move out, praying that the washing machine doesn't go wrong, or the car doesn't break down, or the gas bill doesn't go up yet again, praying for strength and motivation to believe in myself when there just isn't anyone else to turn to when I so desperately need someone to tell me that it's all going to work out and be ok. Wanting so badly to find a way out of this hole and find a safe place to stop for a while and catch my breath.
I did come across this quote just now, while I was quickly flicking through a book on inspiration:-
When nothing seems to help, I go and look at a stonecutter hammering away at his rock perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow it will split into two, and I know it was not that blow that did it, but all that had gone before. (Jacob Riis)
The more times I read it, the more it seems fitting today somehow. Like the Universe just telling me to trust and have faith that everything is under control, and it will all fall into place one day soon.
I've been slowly working on the diet and exercise stuff. It's a bit hit and miss at the moment. My boy's shouting and his own inner torment is sapping all my strength and eating away at my soul, and I'm reaching for comfort food despite knowing that it's now more than ever I need proper nutrition. I've restocked the fridge with smoothie stuff, ready to start afresh tomorrow, and done tons of research looking for fun recipes for new smoothies and salad dressings. Have even joined a zumba class with my daughter - a strain on the finances, but it gets us both out of the house for some rare and precious mother/daughter time, even just for 45 minutes.
The ear plugs arrived. It's been a childfree weekend, so no opportunity to try them yet. Hopefully they'll help a little, though it won't stop me fretting about the neighbours, nor stop me wanting to hug my little boy tight and make it all better for him. The really rubbish thing about this disorder is that I can't get close to him most of the time - his body is rigid and soaked in sweat and lashing out. It's quite awful.
I guess I am still moving forwards, a tiny bit each day. I happened upon the blog of Shane Burcaw a couple of days ago too. A young man in a wheel chair who has a muscle wasting disease. He started to write a blog called 'Laughing at my Nightmare' http://laughingatmynightmare.1000notes.com/. It's funny and heartbreaking and so inspirational and makes me feel very humbled to be complaining about my lot.
Right. Enough feeling sorry for myself. Imagine what his parents are going through on a daily basis?
I can do this. Just one day at a time.
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